I fought hard. But I've said my mind.


'Oh father in heaven, you hear my prayers every night. Hear this for one last time. Let both of us build that house you've given me in dreams and visions. The pink house with black trim. Change us lord. We want to be better people.'

It feels as though I've just lost 80% of myself.

I sat in the toilet and cried. Cried for a good 30mins.

Who are the people that know me? Who am I? 


Dad was staying with me this week. It felt as though he was just an acquaintance. Now I feel it, I no longer belong in the family. What happened?. Nev and Kerryn still looks happy. All 4 of them seem like a happy family. I watch from the side, and I don't see myself with them. They are fine without me. Where were they when I really needed them anyway. Where were they all these years? When I grew up, when I found myself. Were they there? 

I lost all my DMAT friends too. All the friendships that I worked on for 3 years. The bond we had with each other. Where are they now. I knew I would lose some after Doreen broke up with me. What happened to all the outings we had, the chilling and talking as a group? Once everyone found their counterparts. They all left.

Even now, with the new NS guys. I can see them as my best buddies. But I'm not ready to let people in. Without fixing what is happening now. They can tell. I was asked whether I was feeling alright. I know my face was fucked up today. My heart was broken, it was shattered. I fell a few times. Once down the stairs. Another while in the toilet. People knew, something was wrong on the inside. They asked. 'You ok, you and your girlfriend doing ok?' I knew my commander knew cause of what I wrote in the survey. But she's not my girlfriend. I want her to be. I want to be her boyfriend. I want a relationship that I believe in, not any other relationship that felt good like the past.

I really appreciate people like this. Second week, and they care.

Maybe I was to blame too. I want to work on a relationship that I believe in. A relationship that I couldn't see the end. Cause we would paint our own destinies together. I gave it everything.

And it all ended within an hour. The futures we painted by the bay. The promises we made while basking in the concrete jungle. The love we poured out amidst bubble filled skies. The most romantic thing I've ever done in my life.

An hour after you got home. Everything crumbled. The foundations we laid, the pillars we erected and the walls we painstakingly built. All that was lacking was the roof that would join us in perfect harmony. Some remains. The foundation is strong as ever. The pillars are still there. Some missing. The walls are damaged, maybe smeared by jealousy and the fear of not ever going back to rebuild the perfect house.

I'm busy trying to repair it. I'm working to the very best of my ability. I know there are troubles along the way. The walls keep falling. Walls on your side are not going to be removed. And part of your heart is somewhere else. I'm trying my best to rebuild what we had on 8 July. The perfect house we set for ourselves.

Will this house ever have a roof. Or is it going to collect water and rot through the storms of life. My full heart will be in that house. It'll glow dimly awaiting it's mate. I know half your heart's in there. That's all I'm holding onto now. I won't force the other half in right now. I'll welcome it in with a grand ceremony. We'll put the roof on our house together. I'll be building the walls that were damaged. I'll be putting in everything to make it complete. For when you return with the other half and the roof, it'll be perfect. I can't do this alone. I need you to work together to build it.

But there's another storm coming. A bigger, deadlier storm. Something that would rip out the pillars that are strong. I'm afraid, the house would be a wreck after. I'll remain. Even if everything falls, my heart will glow ever brightly. Sitting on the remains, looking out over the horizon for a full heart to return. Smiling.

For I will welcome you with open arms.
And we'll put the roof on together.

What a fucked up day.

Basically walked away from you willingly. FUCK!!!!!!!!!! 

Won't it be so much easier if we stopped hiding. Can we please?

YAY! Got my audio interface. So shiok! tested my bass once i got it. SOUNDS AWESOME!!

Just set it up today after rearranging my room. So gonna test vocals later in the evening. And I can't wait for my MONITORS to come in! I'm so gonna chase the neighbours away. Haha, jking.
anyway here's a pic.

Saw this really cool dude who won a million dollars on the WWTBAM show. He didn't even use any of his lifelines! Go check it out.
www.youtube.com/watch

 And so after a long long time. I'm back in SG. Went to Shanghai to visit parents and all. Pretty fun. 

Well, what's the first thing you think of when someone says, "I'm staying in China!" I know i'll just freak out and say oh gosh.. Its so backward and ugly. But i realised if you do stay in the more developed parts of China, it's pretty alright. I would think that Shanghai is not as nice as Singapore in terms of looks. Singapore is greener more colorful. But Shanghai is kinda "more developed". Developed meaning the amount of shops they have, their way of life. Not saying the really locals that eat sleep and do nothing. But the proper working class adults. Its really amazing to see tons of buildings in the CBD area. Makes you wonder how China is able to build it. And there is a new one coming up. They have huge bridges that cross the river dividing PuXi and PuDong. As well as underwater tunnels. Their subway crosses the river too. Underwater as well. 

I know the place is dirty and all. You rarely get to see blue skies. Or at least during my stay there i cant remember seeing any. It's pretty polluted.
Their english translation on menus is horrible. Example, there was this dish. It was a pig brain omelette. The translation on the menu was. "PIg brain fries the egg" The moment i read it, i burst out laughing. Well everyone at the table too. And if you ever dreamt of living in villas or the like, the rents cheap there. Maybe cause its plenty given the vast space China has. 

There are many expats there too. Where i live, which is the CBD area as i was told. Expats are plenty. So you don't really have to face locals that much. And you would study in international schools. AND, YOU HAVE A DRIVER!! I wish i had one in singapore. OH well, life there is fun. I liked the weather. 

But hey, singapore is where i live now, so be it. Jut enjoy studying and do what i have to do. :)

 Hmm, let's see. Haven blogged in a long while. Well, pretty lazy to blog. Hah. 

Anyway, found a job doing data entry. Well, have to earn some money during these holidays. Needa save for my gear! Haha. 

And work starts tomorrow, which sucks. Totally don't feel like going. Totally feel like staying at home to play bass or do nothing and sleep. 

For money I will. HAHA! Anyway, yesterday went down for some lame ass interview. I already got the current job so just went down to look see. And prior to that, i heard its some MLM company. Some crap thing where they ask you to sell water. Well, true enough, it really is. Gosh these people have no life man. Wearing so formal and suits just to impress you. Come on! GET A LIFE! Some weird water that looks cloudy and weirdd. To think it's healthy. And when some smart teen asked the presenter/ "manager" whether she herself drank the Water. SHE TOTALLY AVOIDED THE REPLY! damn man, should have asked them to drink it down on the spot. Come on i rather sell ice mountain, compared to some Cal Water bullshit. Ice mountain, everybody knows. Cal Water, teens who understand your evil scheme will recognize it and terrorize it! HAH!


Anyway, I'm so in need of a new Bass Case. HAHAH! Any donators?  (: 

 what have i learnt from keys? Do not be so "act pro". Dun go say ur intermediate when ur not really there. REtarded! All boils down to that one day. When i said yah, can read notes and play a lil'. RETARDED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


CRAPPY HEAD SPINNING KEYS!!! WRECKING MY BRAINS INSIDE OUT!!